


The Ghosts We Carry.

by AllHailYou



Category: EastEnders
Genre: It’s been so long I don’t know what to tag, M/M, Soft Boys, fic prompt, possible PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 16:08:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20708816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHailYou/pseuds/AllHailYou
Summary: Based off a prompt I got on Tumblr.“i saw your post about fic prompts and was wondering if you could write something about ben being panicky/protective over callum? maybe jay phones and tells ben he's gone missing/is upset or something? sorry this is vague”.





	The Ghosts We Carry.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t written a fic since like 2017? Be gentle with me.

Ben was once again swanning into the funeral parlour in the middle of the day. Business at the Car lot was going pretty slow today and the Arches was cover so here he was. On his daily rounds to tease (read as annoy) his brother and his almost boyfriend. 

Things between him and Callum were still going on a bit of a go slow since their failed date. Ben couldn’t really blame Callum for that. He had been off playing hero once more. Callum was really worming his way into his family fast and Ben couldn’t be happier. When they finally got together, at least he already knew his family would be supportive. Even his dad had accepted it, as weird as that made him feel. 

Frowning as he entered and was met by silence. It wasn’t unusual but Callum and Jay were both usually here at this time, having a mothers meeting. 

“Well, it’s dead in ‘ere,” he commented, smirking at his own joke as he entered the office. Finally locating Jay but there was no Callum. “Where’s Callum? Thought I’d find you two gossiping about widows over your sarnies.” 

Jay looked up when Ben entered, rolling his eyes at his awful joke. “I thought he was with you, mate? He just upped and left about twenty minutes ago.” It certainly wasn’t unusual for Callum to just randomly disappear. He was definitely very lenient with the man. He just assumed now it was so he could meet Ben and Jay definitely didn’t want to think about what it was they might have been doing. 

“You didn’t think to ask him where he was going?” Ben asked, pulling his phone out of his pocket and fired off a text to Callum to ask him where he’d gone. He wished he felt as nonchalant about it as Jay did. Callum had been acting really weird recently. Since the thing with Bobby. He seemed more withdrawn. 

“Bruv, don’t take this the wrong way. Ain’t like he don’t do it often,” Jay pointed out, leaning back in his chair. He’d realised that his paperwork wasn’t getting done right now. “Big Nige dropped something. Callum looked like someone had shot him and then he just left. He’s been kinda jumpy recently. Not that I can blame him, been a tough couple of weeks. I’m just worried about him.” 

Jay had noticed it too, so it wasn’t Ben just being paranoid that Callum had finally decided that he didn’t actually like Ben as much as Ben did him. Nodding his head slowly and awkwardly scratched at his beard as he processed what Jay had told him. “You’re just telling me this now?” he asked, but he couldn’t be mad at Jay. He just shook his head, “I best leave you to your paperwork then...” he said as a farewell, turning on his heels and strode out of he funeral parlour. 

“Ben! Did you actually need something?” he heard shouted after him as he shut the door. 

Ben stared out across the Square for moment as he tried to figure out where Callum would have gone. Glancing over towards the door to his flat. It was probably best to start there. After testing the handle and discovered it was open, he moved inside. He couldn’t hear the sound of Rainie and Stuart chatting so thankfully, they must have been out. He wasn’t interested in interacting with either of them right now. 

There was the faint sound of sniffling as he entered the living room and what sounded like “I’m sorry” being muttered over and over again. “Callum?” He asked softly so not to spook the man. What he didn’t expect to find was Callum sat in the corner of his room, practically folded into a ball where he was hugging his knees. It broke Ben’s heart to see Callum so upset. 

Approaching him slowly, Ben crouched in front of him. “Callum, hey. It’s just me, it’s Ben,” he whispered, gently resting his hand on top of Callum’s. “Its okay. It’s alright. You’re okay.” He didn’t really know what was happening here or what Callum was so upset about. He just wanted to make him feel better. Make sure he knew he was safe here with Ben. Ben would do anything in his power to protect the man. 

Ben decided after a moment to wrap his arms around the man, letting him cry into his chest as he whispered soothing words to him and stroked his hair. It worked with Lexi so he hoped it worked with a grown man too. Eventually Callum stopped shaking and his sobbing died down. 

“I’m sorry,” Callum whispered, wiping at his eyes. He felt like a right idiot. All Big Nige had done was drop something and he’d freaked out. He didn’t know why this was happening again. 

“You don’t need to apologise,” Ben assured him, pressing a kiss to the top of his head and didn’t stop the gentle stroking of Callum’s hair, “You want to tell me what got you so upset?” There was clearly something bothering the man. 

A moment of silence passed before Callum blurted out, “I couldn’t save her,” he didn’t need anymore prompting before he carried on, “When I was in the Army, we found this lady and her child. We had to cross landmines to rescue them... We saved the child but we were too late to save her. I watched her die. For months after, I couldn’t stop seeing it. Couldn’t stop thinking about if I’d do something different could I save her? I can’t help thinking she’d be mad at me for letting her die,” The tears had started rolling down his cheeks again, his voice breaking as he spoke. “I don’t... I don’t know what happened today. Big Nige dropped something and suddenly I was back there again. I just needed to get out. I felt like I was being suffocated. I could see her there. Her eyes full of hope that she was going to be saved to have it all ripped away from her.” 

Ben stayed silent as he listened. He knew that feeling all too well of reliving a moment over and over. It had happened after Paul died and after Heather. The guilt that he felt about what he’d done. Questioning whether or not it would have happened if he’d done something differently. 

“After Paul died I felt same way as you do now. Reliving the moment over and over again. Trying to pinpoint where I could have done something different. Blaming myself. The guilt almost consumed me. I was the reason that those men killed him. If I’d just have kept my mouth shut,” Ben sighed and shook his head, “But I realised that no amount of what ifs were going to change what had happened. I know Paul wouldn’t be angry at me. I don’t think he had it in him to be angry at anybody. I don’t think that lady would be angry at you, Callum,” 

Ben shifted to tilt Callum’s chin up, “I bet she thinks you’re a hero. You saved her child’s life. You gave her kid a chance to live their life and be who they want to be,” he assured him, “Take it from a parent, if push comes to shove, they will always rather you save their child before you do them. You can’t go back and change what happened but I assure you, she is probably so thankful for what you did for her child. If she could redo it over, I imagine she would choose the same outcome too. You saved a life that day. I know it’s easier said than done but if she wouldn’t be mad at you, then you need to not be mad at yourself because you’re an incredible, selfless person, Callum Highway.” 

Callum’s watery eyes searched Ben’s for a moment before he collapsed against the man, wrapping his arms around him. “Thank you,” he whispered into the fabric of Ben’s shirt. 

“I’ll always be here when you need me. I think we should find someone who knows what they’re talking about for you to talk to,” Ben said, “And I’ll be there with you if you want me to be or I’ll give you space if you want to go alone. Just know that I’ve always got your back, Callum. I won’t ever stop making sure you know that you are my hero.”


End file.
